Pandora's Anxious Adventure

Sorry, this one's a little bit late, but HAPPY NEW YEAR. Let's call it a dub and start the decade next year.

As I have mentioned an ungodly number of times on this blog, I am a walking ball of anxiety. And it affects so many parts of my life, especially because I've gone so long without actively working to fix it (2 decades basically). One of the aspects of my life that got hit the hardest was my relationship with God. I've always been apart of the church. I was a churchgoer and an active participant within the church for basically my entire life. And then I stopped. I let life and moving away from home for college affect my relationship with God. And in doing so I eventually developed intense anxiety surrounding going to church and sometimes even being around other Christians. This honestly has to be a joke because I live with a Jamaican grown, born-again Christian woman for a mother. Imagine going through a crisis of faith for years and a mom who cannot understand how you went from a regular and active churchgoer to barely having gone to church in years. Shit goes from peacefu

I have amazing and wonderful friendships. Such wonderful friends who I'm immensely grateful for and have built such strong bonds and lasting memories. I ain't never recreated that in a romantic relationship. Like never. I have attempted and tried to start that bond. Cause gahdamn I truly and honestly would love to have these feelings and experiences recreated romantically. I would love to housecat with my romantic partner. I want to have musical experiences with someone I love. I dream of adventures with someone who loves and appreciates me for who I am. Unfortunately, that requires settling for a whole lot less than I deserve. And I ain't never in this eternity planning to do that. Wah me look like claffy!? My experience with dating apps literally, confirmed a long-time suspicion that I have been the rule in my dating experience and not the exception. What makes this such a sucky ass feeling is that I am an exceptional ass person with a lot of love to give. It