Working On It
There are currently two drafts sitting on my dashboard to be written. One of those drafts feels wild and all over the place, the other one I made myself cry because of how mean I was to myself.
When I hear people describe me as a nice or positive person, it feels slightly fraudulent. I begin to think that I'm not that nice of a person, I say incredibly hurtful things with growing frequency and I say the most hateful and hurtful things to myself.
It's like I am constantly looking in a mirror and my own reflection is bullying me.
As I am writing this I'm trying to find a picture to pair with this post and a playlist to pair with it. And a majority of my thoughts are critical, mean and downright nasty. To be quite honest, I am on the verge of tears and ready to quit writing.
It's really hard to find a moment in my life I am truly proud of that I have not somehow tainted with negativity. Hell, I can't even say I'm proud of myself for anything I've done. I will somehow find a way to make myself feel less than, either in my thoughts, regrets or finding someone to compare myself to.
This is just a hard post to make because it means confronting a lot of the shitty things I do to myself. All the ways in which I self sabotage and degrade myself for some false belief or narrative.
Not sure what is even pushing to me get the entirety of this thought process out now, but I want it to change. I want to feel like all my hard work is not for naught, I want to be proud of my accomplishments going forward and I want to have the confidence to believe in my abilities and skills. I would also like to believe it when people tell me that I have great energy or personality. I'd like to feel as if I won't be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. I want my goals and dreams to feel accomplishable because quite frankly they are.
As I move forward in life and 2019, I will be making the effort to change my outlook on my life and myself. For this to stick I'm probably going to have to go back to therapy and stop filling the sessions with superficial fluff. I'm going have to be honest with why I'm going to therapy because I won't have school or some of the post-grad depression emotions there to cloud it all.
That draft I mentioned earlier, it's still sitting on my blog dashboard. I go to click on it and honestly can't bring myself to look at it or even delete it.
I saw something earlier in the day about Mercury in retrograde and the house it'll be in, something along the lines of it being in Leo Moon; I'm a Leo Moon. Basically, it was saying that it's time to change how I communicate in the world. I'm going to start by changing the way I communicate with myself.
I deserve better than the cruel things I tell myself, I deserve better.
This week's playlist is meant to boost my confidence. Hopefully, it can bring more positivity into how I view myself.
When I hear people describe me as a nice or positive person, it feels slightly fraudulent. I begin to think that I'm not that nice of a person, I say incredibly hurtful things with growing frequency and I say the most hateful and hurtful things to myself.
It's like I am constantly looking in a mirror and my own reflection is bullying me.
 |
| So many photos sitting on my phone. They never see the light of day. It's a shame. |
This is just a hard post to make because it means confronting a lot of the shitty things I do to myself. All the ways in which I self sabotage and degrade myself for some false belief or narrative.
Not sure what is even pushing to me get the entirety of this thought process out now, but I want it to change. I want to feel like all my hard work is not for naught, I want to be proud of my accomplishments going forward and I want to have the confidence to believe in my abilities and skills. I would also like to believe it when people tell me that I have great energy or personality. I'd like to feel as if I won't be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. I want my goals and dreams to feel accomplishable because quite frankly they are.
 |
| Have you noticed I've been adding photos of myself Well this part of my changing how I see myself move |
That draft I mentioned earlier, it's still sitting on my blog dashboard. I go to click on it and honestly can't bring myself to look at it or even delete it.
I saw something earlier in the day about Mercury in retrograde and the house it'll be in, something along the lines of it being in Leo Moon; I'm a Leo Moon. Basically, it was saying that it's time to change how I communicate in the world. I'm going to start by changing the way I communicate with myself.
I deserve better than the cruel things I tell myself, I deserve better.
This week's playlist is meant to boost my confidence. Hopefully, it can bring more positivity into how I view myself.
Comments
Post a Comment