Sitting With My Thoughts

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I been needing and feeling to do a lot things lately. But that pesky lil self-worth bit been sitting heavy beside my anxiety. Which if you’ve been watching the news or active on social media is on 10000x♾

I. Am. Overwhelmed.

This year since the middle of March, if it ain’t been one thing, it’s the another. My ability to even fully get a grasp on what’s going on is just shattered at this point. I feel blocked off from my emotions and myself. All I am is like a tense string, on the last thread, waiting to be broken. And it feels like everything I do to pull myself away from the edge only works for short bursts.

It is exhausting. My sleep all messed up, my spirit is heavy, my soul feels as if it’s falling into despair. It just feels like all my inner turmoil from the year before done spilt on over into the world. And while I understand for change to happen, you gotta hit the bottom, to restructure and redesign the system, I’m also tired.

Even as I type this out, the words across the screen do not feel like they are my own. It’s like they don’t feel real. This is just a false experience. I’m reading too much into it. I don’t even feel like I know what I’m saying at this point.

Yet still, in all this jumbled madness I have to find the clarity and strength to log in for work. I feel guilty for the overwhelming sensation of wanting to drop it all when I have been blessed with the opportunity to keep my position, while so many others have not. But I’m trying exist in the moment as two separate people. One who is currently not existing and the another who is barely pulling through some days. I’d honestly cry but I really don’t feel like I have the right or the strength to do so.

There are so many things I want to be doing, and to be saying and I just feel as if I am not able to fully release those moments of creativity, of expression, of my thoughts. I feel somewhat stuck in time, and I’m unsure if I’ll get the opportunity to move away from this moment and this feeling. Like time is gonna stand still in this period of upheaval and I’m gonna be tossed about in it with no control over anything. And just saying this all feels a lot like a cop out. Like I’m not even gonna do the work to take control of my life.

I don’t know. I just know that I’m too tired to actually over it all.

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