Sorry I Didn't/Don't Respond To You...

I talk. A LOT.
I have a lot of thoughts, an abundance of opinions and a never-ending supply of words readyyy to be released at any given moment.

My "I should respond but I can't think of
something of worth to add to this conversation" face

What I do not do is share these thoughts, opinions or words regularly. I also despise sharing them in the digital landscape we live in.

And I particularly LOATHE having to share my thoughts, opinions, and words with people during a conversation via the digital landscape.

This is all just a fancy-ass way of saying talking to people via text, DMs, or online messaging forums gives me dreadful and ghastly anxiety.

There I said it, messaging people triggers the FUCK out of my anxiety. I'll be big chilling and having to respond back to someone's message will have me fall into a never-ending spiral of attempting to get my point across in a clear and somewhat concise way.

Here is a sample of times I have had my anxiety spike because of having to talk to people: when I have to respond to people I don't talk to regularly in person, group chats, messages on dating apps...just to name a few.

The heart of the matter is I'm already awkward in person and conversing there is already struggle at times for me, but at least I'm able to appropriately convey context and the appropriate energy around what I have to say.

THIS IS NOT THE CASE WITH TALKING TO FOLKS ACROSS A DIGITAL LANDSCAPE.

Again, I have a lot of words to say, I don't really use emojis and I type like I talk. So in my head, it all seems fine and but when I go check responses, no one gets me.

So, in response to not being able to be normal and converse with groups and people, I've adapted a lil rule, if I have nothing of value to add to a conversation, I make an attempt to stay the fuck out of it. It works, but then when I'm in a position to try and get to know folks I can't because I don't talk in group chats, so no side chats start and I don't get to interact with folks. And this is just for group chat settings. But this rule truly applies across all forms of messaging with me.

Now don't get it twisted, just because I have a lot of difficulty with this doesn't mean I don't talk to folks at all, I've just been blessed to have friends who get what I mean when I message them. It helps that the people I talk to a lot have all talked to me in person prior to texting me. Also, the addition of gifs, voice notes, and sharing memes and videos have ALL helped. But like not when it comes to talking to folks outside of this realm of people.

To be real with y'all there is a part of it that boils down to a few underlying personal issues I have regarding interacting with people. But those issues don't always stop me ya know.

My "Do I really have to respond to this" face

But truly one of the hardest things for me most times is formulating a response to people.

So now here I am a week later with a notification on my phone telling me it's my turn to respond and I have nothing to say to carry on this conversation. I just cannot. And this is just one example of my tomfoolery

I've been trying to be better about responding to folks, but the Lord he knows, when it comes to responding to people I'm about ready to toss my phone, every single time.

My phone is silent because of this. I have actively muted all, if not most notifications coming in on my phone. And if I open up one of these apps and I got some form of in-app notification, you best believe I'm already stressing about what it could be.

Like one message from someone not in my safe circle and my mind has a few automatic responses: "why", "is it something I did" and "how long can I go without responding and hoping that they'll still like me" just to name a few.

And that's just my thoughts. Then there is my stomach feeling like it's about to drop out. The overanalysing of every single minute detail of the possible ways the conversation could go. The nervous movement if I'm doing something. And the ultimate goal of staring at my phone (or into space) hoping the message will disappear but ultimately knowing it won't so it sits there until I feel like I have an appropriate response.

Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly daring, I'll reach out to either my circle or someone around me and ask for help with putting my words together cohesively. But then that comes with its own anxiety issues and then the cycle continues and the downward spiral gets larger.

It's just one big frigging mess in my head and I'm always grateful when I have to interact with folks in person, just because my intentions cannot be misconstrued there. But that's the only reason I like in person communication. Because outside of that, I'm still on the hot mess express to Anxiety Land, with stops at paranoia, self doubt, nervous rambling, inability to project my voice and sooo much more.

Do not get on this express bullet train with me, it's stress.

So yeah there it is. A lil ditty about how talking to folks in the technology era is anxiety inducing and not fun.

Also here's a playlist of ladies who have a slightly better grasp of communicating or responding to things than I do...at least in song they do.

Also, enjoy the wonderful faces of me probably not responding to someone in a timely fashion. I'm not mean I just don't want to spiral.