Words Mean Things and I'll Get CROSS, ANGRY AND MISERABLE Behind That

I am, have been and will always be of the mindset, that everything a person does or says has consequences. This is simply how I was raised. And with my life-long anxiety being a thing, ya girl has a tendency to latch on to things and form minor obsessions on these things. Sometimes this is from trauma bonding, sometimes it ain't. But that's a more of a conversation to develop upon with my therapist. What I am here to talk about is how a lot of folks in this day and age, can and will get they feelings hurt and be embarrassed by me and the public not living by the belief that they shit can and will always come back to bite them.

So because I've latched on to these beliefs in life I have had the wonderful experience of having my long-dormant and better-managed anger resurface over the past few years, especially in a post-2016 election world. I done had my consequences catch up to me, with regards to my anger before, so now I'm much more cognizant of the words I speak. In addition to the fact that I grew up and still live in a Christian household, I know the power that lives in the words we speak. [Proverbs 18:21 KJV "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."] So when I tell you I know the power behind words and I understand the consequences attached to moving recklessly and without abandon, know that I mean that. 

Yet somehow, society as a whole seems to have forgotten this. Let me repeat that, but in caps: SOCIETY HAS A WHOLE SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT WORDS MEAN THINGS AND ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Maybe it's because the immediate consequences of some of their actions have not fully reached them, maybe they haven't felt the power behind the words they speak just yet. But best believe they are coming. And I will not sit here on this internet and tell y'all that I done forgot these things myself. We not fraudulent on this here space, I have forgotten these core values of mine. I let the anxiety of being left alone take over for a long time that I honestly felt like I lost my voice. Many times when it started to come back fear and anxiety pushed her down. One of the consequences of my youthful anger was additional anxiety and fears about how I was seen or viewed by those around me. And while I may have learned the strength of waiting to respond and taking my time to respond with all the facts during this time, the fear that took over at this time made it hard for me to speak out when I felt necessary.

BUT NO MORE. Through the hard-ass lessons of the end half of the 2010s, I've picked up some new tools. Though not always the best actions, they have and continue to help me maintain and find my voice, all while maintaining my core system of beliefs. 

As the election season surrounding 2016 and the fallout that followed took place, I began to feel the pure and utter rage that long lay dormant after it's last major public outburst in 2008 (at home fights with roommates and parents are a different type of anger for me). I went from a silent peruser of my online social space to occasionally making rather impassioned posts online. I noticed that if I took the tools I had learned over the years while handling my anger and my anxiety and channeled them into the beliefs I hold. And I have learned to keep that anger sedated, while not ignoring its existence or its cause. This gives me time to feel the anger, and I feel it physically (like most of my emotions based in negative energy). Sometimes I have to sit in it and stew, but that's because I know if I speak at that moment I'll say something vile without even knowing it. But I must always acknowledge the cause of my anger if I am to have power over it. 

So in these trifling times when people speak without hearing or care, if it puts me in slight anger but not enough where I have to sit in it, I'll make a general overarching post and maybe interact with the person or reason who put the cause of my anger into my path. Sometimes it'll stop right there, and sometimes it doesn't. When people dig their heels into their ignorance yet do not want to stand in the filth of said ignorance then I have to work overtime to fully acknowledge and educate (please note, I only do this for my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances online. I do not waste my limited positive energy on strangers on the internet). And the closer you are to me or the longer I have known you, I will definitely have a higher expectation for you to not be steeped and sitting in ignorance. So if I have to come on my social spaces and see folks I know being ignorant, but not standing up in that ignorance, please believe I will CALL YOU OUT ON IT. And if I gotta do all a day, just know you done messed up my day and fucked around with my anxiety. 

Now if we reach the point of my anger slowly translating into a trigger, I have to figure the effects of the heightened anxiety. It could be a combination of things, from a lack of appetite, hyperfocused on the subject, uncontrolled and unnoticed trembles, shorter fuse, and other factors. Now I have to worried about my physical self and mental self, because both have been drop-kicked into an emotional space that requires being very self-aware to prevent myself from doing some dumb shit, like talking off recklessly at the mouth in public.

So to the people of the world, specifically folks who I have chosen to associate with, please move with sense when it comes to what you say. And if you're going to be trash, stand in it. It'll make it easier for folks to decide how they want to interact with you going forward. Don't go backpedaling and playing the victim when the consequences of your actions and words reach you faster than you anticipated.

And with that. Me Done TALK.